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Fantasy Festivus: I Got a Lot Of Problems With You People

Celebrate on Dec. 23

Celebrate Festivus on Dec. 23

Fantasy Festivus

As Christmas approaches and the fantasy football playoffs are in full tilt that can only mean one thing. Festivus is near. For those of you who don’t know what Festivus is, this is not the article for you. For the rest of you, I just got the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace. Let’s do our best Frank Costanza impressions, and air some god-damned grievances.

My first grievance is the use of divisions in fantasy football. What the fuck is that about? Are we trying to promote regional rivalries in redraft fantasy football leagues? Listen, chances are if you’re in a league, you’re playing with friends that, if given the choice to relive your parent’s divorce or lose to them, you’re taking the divorce all day. There is no logical argument for the use of divisions in fantasy sports.

Not using a decimal point in fantasy is pretty god-damned barbaric if you ask me. Here is a good example of why not awarding decimal points is awful, especially in PPR leagues: RB1 catches a swing pass that is sniffed out by the defender, loss of 5 yards. RB2 has a nice run of 9 yards. RB1 ends up with 1 point, RB2 ends up with 0. Now I realize that the game is more than one play. But when I have 4 guys on my team with yardage totals that end in the integer 9 and they all get rounded down, that’s not cool. WHERE DID THOSE YARDS GO?! DID THEY DISAPPEAR?! In my world 49+109+79+19=25.6, not 22.0. Those points could be crucial in your march towards a fantasy title.

Kickers. Why are leagues still including kickers? All it does is add randomness to the game. Isn’t the point of fantasy football to predict who is going to do well in the preseason? Draft players that you predict will return value on their draft position and then make moves in accordance with new data that is updating your week-to-week prediction? Randomness skews the whole idea. It awards luck and takes away an advantage from those who are skilled at roster construction.

Odd scoring systems get up in my craw, too. Why are we trying to reinvent the wheel by trying to innovate some new scoring system? You don’t work for Disney, you’re not a fucking Imagineer. Point systems aren’t meant to add some of that above-mentioned randomness to the equation. One year I committed to a league that took away an entire point for being sacked. When I sign up for a fantasy league, I didn’t think I had to read that much fine print. It’s a fantasy football league, not a contract for my soul with the devil. PPR was a great innovation. Half PPR is an awesome reaction to the league moving towards more passing. Weighted PPR and Superflex leagues are a great way to make the TE and QB positions more valuable. Rewarding weird bonus points or punishing players for things beyond their control is not good. It’s like the person who invented the baby cage. When did constructing a cage outside of a window to put your baby in sound like a good idea? Even if it sounded like a good idea in your head, that’s a pretty strong indictment on you.

The last thing is waiver wires. What are we still doing using the archaic waiver wires that continually reward the last place team? Fantasy football should resemble Social Darwinism, not Socialism. I shouldn’t have to pray for a Festivus miracle every week for players to slip in the waivers just because I’m better than you at drafting.

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I got a lot of problems with you people!!

Brock Osweiler, I felt bad for you because I know sucking at football probably wasn’t in your plans but you have millions of guaranteed dollars. I don’t. You ruined Nuk and you ruined Lamar, you’re just like Kruger.

Jeff Fisher, you ruined Todd Gurley. Or Todd Gurley isn’t good. Regardless, fuck you and your mustache.

Ben McAdoo, you defended Josh Brown and you look like a douchebag. Neither of which are forgivable.

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Chip Kelly, you pudgy little fuck. Get your gimmicky offense back to some second-rate college in a division that doesn’t play any defense.

Now who’s ready for the Feats of Strength?! Festivus isn’t over until one of you pins me.

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